All these are hard financial times for all of us. If we have been hard hit by the economic downturn through the reduction of our job, concerned or depressed by the loss of our savings for retirement or in real estate, or concerned about the future, we’re stressed. To make matters worse and more anxiety-ridden, nobody seems to truly understand what’s happening economically. Even in good times, our career-orientated society has generated unprecedented levels of stress. As a professional couples counselor, I know that these instances have generated marital difficulties not seen for some time. I will provide a few vignettes of couples I am working with, and I hope to offer you some general assistance to individuals suffering a large number of possible life challenges.
With a single couple, the guy, once a thriving stock dealer, is now hardly making ends meet. He had promised his wife that she wouldn’t need to work after marriage. That promise is currently impossible. She feels cheated of her fantasies. She believes he let her down and failed. He feels he’s doing his best and she’s treating him seriously and unfairly.
Another guy just lost his job. He unfairly criticizes himself. His wife, also working hectic day and night hours on her job never envisioned life would be like this in their late 40s. Kids will enter college. Now what? Visit Dalton Associates
A woman in her mid-50s has been a very successful manager in the financial industry before she lost her job. Although scary, it offers her a chance to have more quality time to reconnect with her spouse and kids. But what will happen to their fiscal future, children’s college costs, and retirement?
A young couple with a young kid just closed in their first residence. Now comes the strain of greater costs for the taxes and mortgage. The husband, fortunately in a job with ample overtime, can’t refuse it when accessible, but he is working excessive hours each week. How can he deny any childbirth today? But there is little quality time together with his wife and kid. Tightening their funding implies no Dunkin Donuts coffee, brown bagging lunch, and cutting back on bites. Eliminating these typical simple joys cause anxiety. So why perform 70 hours each week? However, what happens when overtime work is eliminated?
Some marriages remain powerful when these tough economic times hit, but some couples are experiencing problems even during strong economic times. Money can be the straw that breaks the back of an already rocky relationship. With innumerable versions of difficult life circumstances during these painful financial times, what exactly are we to do? Know more about Dalton Associates
If the husband has lost his job, he must keep his wife updated on what he has done to locate a new job. Men tend to believe,”I’ve already done all I could do now, so why to discuss it?” Men forget about their problems as a way to decrease stress. Sort of like a mini-vacation to forget about their issues. When men talk about their problems, it brings back the anxiety and the inherent impulse men have to fix problems. Girls can misinterpret this normal way for a guy to reduce stress anxiety to mean he did not try hard enough today, or he simply doesn’t care to share his feelings. The same theme can be applied to the man whose earnings was reduced, who’s responsible for losing his job, or whose bonus was eliminated or reduced. He can be doing all he could do but just not talking about it. Therefore a man must remember to upgrade his spouse on the situation, and a woman should remember his need to let it all go. Her continued talking or questioning will make a man feel helpless since he’ll misinterpret her questioning to imply she does not trust his very best attempts.
On the flip side, a girl who has lost her job, who is responsible for losing her job, or whose income or incentive was decreased will want to discuss it. When a girl talks about problems, and her husband is really listening, her stress is reduced. And she may need to talk about it a lot, with each small detail thrown in for good measure. A man shouldn’t believe he must now fix her problem and give unsolicited advice or suggestions. This isn’t exactly what she needs, and it will only increase his stress with his feeling he has more issues to solve.
So, men, just genuinely listen, breathe deep, be curious, even inquisitive, and she’ll feel better without your having to do anything. A girl can enable a man by reminding him he need only listen. If you’d like hints, make it clear in what area you would like help. After providing, appreciate his input.
Men sort of have their psychological caves – or alone time — with a sign stating,”Please don’t disturb”. Men like to escape into their own heads where they believe they can be in control and try to figure things out. Girls also have caves, but their sign reads,”I need to speak.” When a guy, attempting to help, asks a woman,”What’s wrong?” And she says,”Nothing”, it really means,”Nothing, unless you care to listen and give me a chance to talk.”
During poor or good economic times, it’s good communication that keeps a few near. Couples now will need to have a dialog about budgets in general and for the holiday season. Each spouse should discuss their perspectives on just how much ought to be spent, on whom, about what, and why they think that way. The other spouse need remain silent, replicate what was said back to their partner, and admit the validity of what they said. Then another spouse expresses their complete point of view, together with another spouse now repeating what was stated, and acknowledging the validity of the perspective. Bear in mind, there are always two legitimate points of view on all marital decisions. When we really hear each other, we could further discuss areas where we can or can’t compromise, again validating each other. Finally, a couple can come to a suitable comprehension with mutual admiration for each other’s feelings. Counsellors in Brantford | Psychotherapy | Couples & General Counselling
Refrain from the blame game. Produce a plan with good communication. Bear in mind, discussing this current economic strain situation is much like discussing different matters of a relationship. Produce a budget. Make a team. Create a positive attitude toward change.
Also, the most important things in life really are not about money. We will need to comprehend our differences as men and women and learn to meet each individual’s emotional needs. So, men, listen up. Show your wife you care about doing little things. Tell her how lucky you are you married her, then tell her how great she looks, write a love note, telephone her often to tell her thinking about her, bring home the bread and milk, stop and get her favorite snack, give her a hug, bring home some flowers, cut the stems and put them in the vase to get her. Give her continuing caring, understanding, admiration, and dedication. Bear in mind, it’s expression of the little things which will warm her heart — and other pieces. And all of this is for free during these most difficult of economic occasions. Also, remember just to listen to all she has to say. As I mentioned, expression and being listened to reduces a woman’s stress. This link raises her oxytocin, a female’s feel-good hormone that reduces stress.
And, women, listen up. Inform your guy the things you appreciate about him. Let him know he makes you happy. If he feels appreciated, he’ll want to do more for you. Assert yourself and tell him what you want. When he produces, tell him you love exactly what he did. He will feel he came up with the idea on his own. Tell him you can count on him. This reinforcement will bring out the best in him. Do everything you can to accept his or her imperfections. Refrain from attempting to change him too much.
Recall, give him his cave time. By watching sports, playing video games, reading the paper, etc., he can forget about his problems. Like a mini-vacation, this time increases his testosterone. This frees his feelings of well-being. It’s ideal to be the honey beyond the cave, not vinegar. Then, a man will come out being more accessible, affectionate, and love to his woman.
Both spouses need to believe, feel, and share what they have to be thankful for in their spouse. And all of this is free.
If your marriage is worried, and you find it hard to communicate and get connected, invest in professional counseling. Contrary to the current stock market, counseling will provide you with handsome profits with gains.